Category: Recipes, or Eat the Fuck at Home!

For those who have tried and mastered (or tried and failed) the previous recipe, here is another staple from our household. For a couple of Irish-Russian idiots living in Germany we sure eat shitloads of Asian food… Go figure!…

Anyways, this one is MUCH easier to make and is perfect for the shitty weather.

INGREDIENTS (for 2 people)

• 800 ml of chicken broth (please, please, please, do yourselves a favor, and do NOT use fucking powder – spend a couple pennies on a proper one! If this thought completely shatters your picture of the Universe, use one jar of proper broth, and top it up with the powder shit)
• 1 chicken breast, butterflied, marinated and kept overnight in the fridge. Use whatever the fuck you want for the marinade. The easiest is store-bought Teriyaki sauce (any brand would do).
  If you want to be really fucking fancy – use 1 tbs of Char Siu sauce, 1 tbs of fish sauce and 1 tbs of Mirin. Mix that shit up before putting the chicken in.
• 2-3 mini Pack Choi, leaves sliced alongside
• 2 garlic cloves, thinly sliced
• a ~3 cm piece of ginger root, peeled and sliced
• 1 tbs red Miso paste (you can get this shit in any Asian shop)
• 1 pack (100 gr) of Ramen noodles
• 1-2 spring onions, chopped to fuck
• Coriander (if you are a coriander junkie), parsley (if you are a devoted coriander hater).

These are the minimal essentials. For seasoning, and for making your Ramen fancy as fuck, add spinach, bean sprouts, marinated bamboo shoots and/or mushrooms (Enoki or brown beech are the best – you have to cook them together with Pack Choi, though). If you have no clue what I am talking about – relax and don’t sweat this shit: the minimal essentials would still be enjoyable.

PREPARATION

• Cook the noodles according to the packet instructions, drain under cold water, and divide between 2 plates
• Heat the chicken broth in a big pot together with Miso paste (dissolve that fucker in the broth – don’t leave it lying on the bottom in a lump!), garlic and ginger root. Bring to the boil.
• Turn the heat down, add Pack Choi and mushrooms, and allow them to heat the fuck through.
• While this shit is cooking, heat some oil in a hot frying pan and grill the chicken breast for ~5 min, until cooked through. Chuck the marinade, no matter how good this shit smells.
• Cut the chicken into slices on a chopping board.

ASSEMBLY

• Ladle off the hot broth with Pack Choi and mushrooms onto the cold noodles. Fuck the ginger pieces out, but leave the garlic.
• Add some fresh bean sprouts, put the hot sliced chicken on top, sprinkle with spring onions and whatever other shit herbs you want.

INGREDIENTS

First off, ingredients.  I sorted them out into 3 groups, and the amount listed serves 2 medium-hungry people.

Easy-to-find ingredients:

• 2 thick beef steaks
  (about 250 grams total – feel free to double if you are really fucking hungry!)
• 1 lime
• 1-2 spring onions
• 2 garlic cloves
  (if you really, really love garlic: throw in as much of this shit as possible – would not hurt!)
• Salt, pepper, sugar, cooking oil (if you want to be fancy, use sesame oil – it smells fucking delicious, and definitely adds the flavor to the dish!)

Hard-to-find stuff (not so, if you have an Asian shop nearby):

• 2 table spoons of tamarind concentrate
• 2 table spoons of oyster sauce
• 2 table spoons of fish sauce
• 4 mini Pack Choi
• 100 gr thin glass noodles

Something in-between (depends where you shop, or what you grow yourself):

• 1 small red chili
• 1 red pepperoni (looks like a bigger and less aggressive brother of chili)
• 25 gr unsalted and un-roasted peanuts
• 1 bunch of coriander (feel free to skip, if you really fucking hate the stuff)

PREPARATION

Asian food is all about preparation – it takes more time to marinade, chop, slice, grate and cut stuff, than fucking cook it later. Cooking is the quick and fun part, so brace yourselves for some prepping first.

• Once you took the time to assemble all ingredients, marinate the meat.  In a medium-size Tupperware mix tamarind concentrate, oyster sauce, fish sauce and 1 clove of crushed garlic, add some black pepper to taste.  Put the meat in, make sure it is fully smothered in the marinade, and leave it the fuck alone in the fridge.  The longer – the better, overnight in the fridge would do wonders!
• Cook the noodles according to instructions (in most cases you need to put them in a boiled water and keep them there for 5 min).  Drain, cool down with cold water, and put the fuck aside.
• Chop the peanuts into quarters, and slowly roast them in a small frying pan without any oil.  Once brown – put the fuck aside.
• Chop the Pack Choi into rough 1-2 cm cubes, chop spring onions into 1-2 cm pieces, de-seed the pepperoni and cut into very thin slices (you don’t want to be chewing on huge chunks of it later.  While not as aggressive as chili, it will still fucking burn your mouth, if eaten whole!).  Mix them together and leave alone.
• Grate the zest off the lime, and squeeze the remaining naked lime into the same bowl.  Add 2 teaspoonfuls of salt, 4 teaspoonfuls of sugar, and 4 tablespoons of water (preferably hot or boiling, to help dissolve the sugar and salt).  Mix that shit up and leave alone.  This will be your lime vinaigrette for the noodles.

COOKING

And now – cooking fun!  Ideally, if you are two people – divide the responsibilities: one cooks the meat, the other one is in charge of the rest.  If you are alone – fucking multi-task!

• Preheat the oven at 180°C (no idea what the fuck it is in Fahrenheit – use Google to convert!).  Heat a frying pan, add some oil, and put the steaks in.  Fry each side for 2 min (if you weren’t stingy and got thick pieces, also on the sides), and transfer to a baking tray, covered with baking paper.  Put in the oven for ~4 min (depending on how you like your steak and its thickness.  4 min will give you a medium-rare on two thick pieces.  For medium or well-done (how does it even exist?…) do the fucking math yourself.
• Heat the wok (yeah, you will need one of those, if you are cooking any Asian dishes, even once a year.  Don’t be a lazy bastard, and get one!), add ~2 tablespoons of oil and let it heat up until almost bubbling.  Throw the Pack Choi, spring onions and pepperoni mix in, and fry at high heat for 4 min, stirring constantly.
• After 4 min, throw in the glass noodles and the remaining 1 clove of garlic (crushed to oblivion), stir for one min, and a throw in the lime vinaigrette in.  Stir the fuck out of it and take off the heat.
• After you take the meat out of the marinade – don’t fucking throw it away – it makes awesome sauce!!!! To make it, add 2 tsps of sugar and 3 tbls of water into the marinade, and cook for 3-4 min on low heat till it turns into the amazingly fucking delicious sauce! Pour over the meat when serving. (You might want to double all ingredients for the marinade to get more of this awesomeness.)

ASSEMBLING

• Divide the noodle and Pack Choi mix between two big plates (heat them up first, if you are British, or pretend to be a fancy chef J)
• Take the meat out of the oven, slice thinly, and place on top of the noodle mix.
• Sprinkle with roasted peanuts, and chopped up coriander.

Eat that shit up – it’s delicious!!!!