Part 6 – We are idiots, or welcome to the desert!

Ok, I have to admit – riding into the desert on air cooled bikes in midday heat was definitely NOT the smartest move on our part. In our defense – the initially planned early start was delayed by the opening of a trash metal club the night before, and we rolled out of LA much later than intended.

We suspected that it would be hot in the desert. Probably even very hot. But just like it’s almost impossible to pack for a beach vacation in the middle of a snowstorm, our brains did not quite got around the whole heat thing.
Normally, on a bike, even in hot weather, you still count in the wind-chill factor. Guess what?… In the desert there is no such thing – only the heat wave factor, which together with the swelter of the sun from the cloudless sky and the heat of the melting tarmac makes you feel like a hot dog on a roaster.

While I kept exceptionally fond memories of the Mojave Desert from the visit of only three years before, even I had to admit that the stretch between LA and Vegas was downright ugly. There was nothing there but the highway. The few random gas stations on the way did not add much charm to the place. Riding through the desert in the vicinity of Death Valley with its average July temperatures of +46C (~116F) was a challenge not for the feeble-hearted. We stopped whenever we could (not that there was an abundance of places anyway), drinking Gatorade and water by the gallon, as well as pouring the latter fluid all over us, and still by the time we reached Vegas I almost collapsed in the driveway of the first hotel on the Strip, as close to the heat stroke as I hopefully would ever be in my life. Thank you, two unknown guys in a golf cart, who stopped and gave me little bottles of cold water, and a pack of ice! Had it not been for them, I may not be having the pleasure of writing these lines… Nic towed my bike to the nearby staff parking, and I was sitting panting in the shade of some meager shrubs by the road, thinking how the hell I got into this mess. While ice and water helped with the initial dizziness, and I soon stopped seeing double, the ride to Vegas made us seriously re-consider our further moves.

The original plan was to continue into the desert on the bikes, stay for the night in Alamo, Nevada, spend the next day exploring the wacky UFO sights of Rachel and Area 51 and return to Vegas passing by the Hoover Dam for a longer stay two nights later. After our close and personal encounter with the desert heat, all of this was out of the question. It was simply too hot to ride… Exhausted and heat-stricken as we were, we weren’t ready to throw in the towel just yet. Two luckily spotted passers buy in Harley T-shirts gave us directions to the nearest dealer who happened to be just around the corner. We dragged our sorry asses and bikes there, and supported by free coffee in an air-conditioned atmosphere resuscitated and regrouped.

Welcome to fabulous Las Vegas HD! Thank you, guys!!!!

Not ready to discard a full day of carefully planned alternative sight-seeing, we decided to sacrifice on the riding. The bikes were left resting at the Vegas Harley dealer’s – thank you, guys – the Harley code of honor did work, and “riders in distress” (aka stupid idiots who thought they would be OK riding into the desert in mid-summer heat) were helped. The rental car equipped with GPS and air conditioning was booked and picked up at the airport around the corner from Harley, our rucksacks were thrown in, and smug and proud of our crisis management skills we were back on the road!

From inside the air-conditioned vehicle the desert looked tame and pretty. Following the instructions of the GPS lady and snapping photos on the way, we reached the Windmill Ridge – our destination for the night. I fondly remembered the place with its beautiful super-comfort cabins and the out-of-this-world steaks from the last visit to Nevada, and insisted we stopped there again. The Windmill Ridge did not disappoint – both, the cabins and the steaks were as fantastic as I remembered them, and I can wholeheartedly vouch that the state of Nevada is worth visiting just for that!

The Windmill Ridge – the best place to stay in the desert!

The next day we drove along Extraterrestrial Highway, noticing with surprise how most road-signs indicating the free range area and low flying aircraft were punctured with bullet-holes. This included the couple of those famously adjusted to the specifics of the area, where the cow was complemented with UFO flying over it. Entertainment in the desert must be rather basic and scarce…

The start of Extraterrestrial Highway

We stopped at the Little A’Le’Inn for a drink, a chat with the owner, and an obligatory tour of the gift shop, and took about a hundred pictures with the meager but epic sights of Rachel, thoroughly enjoying ourselves. The place was like a time-capsule: returning there three years after my first visit, I had a total de ja vue of having left it in exactly the same state only yesterday! I won’t repeat here my first-time impressions from Rachel of three years ago – those who somehow managed to miss them, are welcome to refresh their memories here: Mad Christmas Trip – Rachel, Nevada.

At the Little A’Le’Inn
The famous truck with the flying saucer

Three years later, I was glad to confirm that the general level of craziness did not go down even a notch. The only unfortunate change to the neighborhood was the disappearance of the Black Mailbox (again, the curious-minded can read about this artifact here:
Mad Christmas Trip – Rachel, Nevada.

Black Mailbox no more!… 🙁

The owner of the Little A’Le’Inn confirmed to us that, alas, Black Mailbox there was no more!… Apparently, even after the replacement of the original box with an industrial-size and -strength construction, mail heists continued. Mr. Medlin said “Screw this shit!” (or something along those lines), plucked the box out, and re-routed his mail to the nearby Alamo, where his granddaughter now picks it up every day when going to school. Sad, but inevitable… One more legendary landmark succumbed to the bulldozer of time. We still commemorated the occasion by taking photos at the now empty spot where Black Mailbox used to be.

The next day, before returning the car and our rested in the luxury of air-conditioning asses to Vegas, we had one more sight on the agenda – the Hoover Dam. Built in the 30-ies of the 20th century, the Dam is one of the seven modern civil engineering wonders of the United States, and quite rightly so. Even today, it looks incredibly impressive, and considering the technology of 80 years ago, one cannot but wonder how the heck they built the thing, especially in the limited time they had for the job. Blocking the estuary of the Colorado River at Lake Mead, the Dam is huge – definitely too big to fit into a photo – and supplies electrical power to the whole states of Nevada and Arizona, as well as Southern California.

With the Bypass Bridge connecting Nevada and Arizona above it and numerous electric wire towers sticking out of both banks of the river, the whole construction looks impressively futuristic. The incredible green waters of the lake and the Colorado River sets off the color scheme of the area, with the carmine red of the mountains, ochre yellow of the Dam buildings, and the unbelievably blue desert sky. No wonder that millions of people visit the Hoover Dam every year – it is a magnificent sight! And yes, I am aware of the whole eco system of Lake Mead and surrounding area being shot to shit, but from the engineering point of view, the Hoover Dam is still a wonder.

Part 5 – Crazy-ass LA

After our triumphant ride down the Golden Gate Bridge (or is it up? Bridges always confuse me with directions prepositions…) we continued moving steadily South. The sore shoulders and tired asses of only two days before were quickly and ultimately forgotten and we were happy to be back on the bikes. The 7th day of the trip was not remembered by much – guess we must have set back into the road trip mode. For some reason the only thing that stuck in memory was the huge thickets of dill (what the fuck???…) on the curbside. For miles we were riding through these unexpected herbal wilds, surprised at the whole out-of-placedness and sheer size of the plants on both sides of the road. I was desperately trying to remember whether Northern California had any particular culinary or botanical claim on this particular herb that would explain and justify its presence on the curb side. Alas, to no avail – the mystery of dill remained forever unsolved…

The stop for the following night was planned at an ocean-side town of Morro Bay, known for a big-ass rock sticking out of the waters right in the middle of said bay.

The town of Morro Bay
Morro Rock

This was where I stayed for the night on my first ever solo road trip from LA to San Francisco and back some 8 years ago, and I kept fond memories of the place. I remembered the rock, the sea lions on the pier, and huge seagulls savagely watching people with any kind of food in their possession by the ocean-side. The repeat visit to Morro Bay did not disappoint – the rock was as big as I remembered it, and lit by the evening sun setting into the unbelievably calm waters of the bay, it presented itself in the best possible setting. The sea lions must have been away for the holidays, but the seagulls were there all right. Huge birds the size of teenage turkeys, with watchful eyes and viciously yellow beaks were following people around just as I remembered. The presence of fishing boats, busily unloading their catch at the piers on the one hand explained the birds’ presence, but on the other made one wonder at their urbanization: instead of trying their luck with the more natural “catch of the day“, the birds were obviously more comfortable chasing after people with hot dogs and burgers in the hope of leftovers.

Dinner with a watchful seagull…

One mean-looking bird sat outside of the big glass window of the restaurant right opposite Nic throughout our dinner, watching every bite he eat like a bean-counting auditor. By the look on the bird’s face you would think that it was worried about being stuck with the check in the end of the meal!… I could not resist taking a photo of the two of them, sharing (if only unwillingly on Nic’s part) this ocean-side dinner.

The Piedras Blancas Elephant Seal Rookery on the way

The stretch of Highway 1 between San Francisco and Los Angeles is one of most picturesque and curvy on the whole route. Wide sweeping curves (and none of those tight shitty bends!), beautiful ocean stretching on your right, high blue skies with only an occasional cloud – all presented a perfect setting for a road trip of a lifetime.

Despite (or maybe because of) all this beauty, our ride next day turned out to be surprisingly quick – before we knew it, we were closing in on LA. The signs were unmistakable – even if we tried to pretend we were on the other side of the planet, LA was ready to jump into our faces. Somewhere around Malibu we spotted a petite woman in a white mini sports outfit jogging along the side of the road. She was hard to miss – the boobs fitted onto her tiny frame by some plastic surgeon genius were calling for attention! The woman was jogging to the best of her abilities, but the boobs did not move an inch. She was carrying them in front of her, like a rare prize they were, and the whole spectacle was calling for an applause from every passing motorist. Nic was riding in front of me, so full of emotions I had to honk to him the “Have you seen this?!!!” message, only to be reassured by the wide-eyed glance back transmitting something along the lines of “Are you fucking kidding me? I should have been blind to miss THAT!…” As always, Los Angeles greeted us in style!

LA is not a real city, but more like a studio with a city attached – an appendix that grew out of proportion and metastasized into the valleys and hills around the studio. I am sure there are thousands of people in LA not connected to the movie business at all, yet everybody is permanently talking about movies. And I mean – everybody and permanently. The conversations happening between road construction workers on the curb side, hip executives in trendy bars, as well as hobos on the Venice boardwalk are all circling around the same subject – movies. Every sane person goes to every film premiere, considers it a matter of self-respect to keep abreast of the latest Hollywood gossip, and has a screenplay in the drawer, ready to be turned into the next blockbuster.

Even so, I have always liked the place. True, the downtown is as ugly and nondescript as they come, and Rodeo Drive with its predominantly Arab and Russian clientele must be one of the most fake and depressing places on Earth, but LA can also boast such gems as Venice and Santa Monica. This is where I mostly hung around during my previous visits, and these were the areas that made me love LA, not despite, but because of their craziness. Both towns that long ago merged into the studio/city organism, preserved their authentic flairs – one of shabby chick alternative hippiness, and the other of straight and groomed oasis surrounded by chaos. Once a birthplace of body-building craze, Venice has now settled into a less intense, not-give-a-shit mode. It’s here that you can see people animatedly arguing with themselves on the streets, accompanied by a pet poodle dyed periwinkle blue to match the shade of the favorite suit of the day. Venice can boast the most colorful and verbal homeless, the most original street artists, the most eccentric coffee shop owners and hairdressers, and with this motley crew of extravagant nutters it rightfully claims to be one of the few natural reserves where the crazies flock to nest.

We planned two stops in LA – before and after going into the desert. And we even had a date for the first one – Nika! Born in Moscow, raised in London, Nika was my accidental flat mate in Munich the first year I moved there. Her father was being treated in the local hospital, and Nika came to help and watch over him. We became good friends, and even though her stay in Munich was not long, we kept in touch after she went back to London, to her successful theater acting career. Deep inside Nika‘s delicate frame is a nuclear-engined will of unsurpassed power, and once her eyes were set on Hollywood, it was only a matter of months till Nika packed up her life and moved to la-la-land. Somehow, we never managed to see each other while still on the same continent, but we were fully inclined to make it happen in America. And we finally did!

Nika!!!!!! Reunion at Loaded

Nika was just as I remembered her 5 years ago – stunningly beautiful, with a glass of red wine, she was waiting for us at the agreed spot in West Hollywood. Finally a reunion!!! Again, like with Olga, the five years seemed to never have happened, and we picked up right where we left off. The first couple of hours was spent catching up on news and red wine. The name of the bar – “Loaded” – was pretty indicative of what the evening was swiftly unfolding into.

The life that Nika packed and moved onto the new continent included Andy – a partner in life, crime and theater, who dropped a successful directing career in London, and followed Nika across the world. None of us was surprised – had you known Nika, you would have followed her to the moon!… Much as we heard about Andy, we never had the pleasure of meeting in person. Which we finally did, in LA underground of all places.

Los Angeles has a peculiar public transport system, or rather, lack thereof. You see a random city bus every now and then, but you are much better off relying on your own wheels. Nevertheless, the three and a half underground lines cross the studio-city at seemingly random places, and represent a surprisingly cheap and comfortable means of transportation (that is, if you happen to be going where the lines are laid). Nika assured us that the underground was empty, for none of the locals would be caught dead using it, and the tourists simply did not know about its existence. All turned out to be true – the only passengers riding the train were our well lubricated trio, and a tall guy in a hat, solemnly listening to our semi-drunk giggles (“Loaded” was not called so for nothing!…) Just when I was about to point him out as one of the local crazies, he broke into a wide smile and introduced himself as Andy. We hurried forward with hugs and greetings, and the reunion was finally complete.

The rest of the evening spiraled out of control in a swift whirlwind of events: joined by Nika‘s friend Kevin, we continued with designer Chinese food in a fantastic place, more drinks, and by midnight landed at an opening of a trash metal club, where the all-girls band dressed in full-body net stockings was performing on stage in between doing shots with guests. What can I say? Only in LA!… Exhausted, and driven by the sense of duty (we were on schedule, and it dictated that the next day we were supposed to do close to 300 miles into the Mojave Desert), we finally tore ourselves away from Nika, Andy and Kevin, fell into a taxi, and made it back to the hotel.


Trash metal club opening

Turned out, we missed all the fun. The opening party went till the early hours of the morning, one of the performers (by the name of Isabel – I shit you not!) ended up on top of the roof, Andy was trying to talk philosophy with her, and for some reason got fake arrested by the cops who arrived at the scene. To his delight they put him in the driver’s (!!!) seat of a police cruiser, where Andy immediately started pushing the buttons hoping to turn on the siren. After a strict reprimand from officers Nunez and Clark, he spent the next half hour peacefully discussing police brutality in the U.S. with them. Isabel got off the roof eventually, all by herself. Not a single witness was hurt in the making of this perfect evening. Respect, LA – you surpassed yourself!

Our route from San Francisco to LA over 2 days