Spicy Salmon Bowl

I stumbled upon this gem by pure chance on Pinterest, or TikTok, or some other equally irrelevant site, and became an immediate convert! If you like fish, spicy sushi, japanese food, or anything connected with raw fucking salmon – I bet you will enjoy this dish as well! It is perfect for lazy fuckers whose culnary skills did not progress further than boiling rice (which, truth be told, is not as simpe as it seems…) or chopping fish.


All ingredients here are given for 1 portion that would do for a medium-hungry salmon-loving individual. My other half hates fish in general and salmon in particular with a passion, and believes that together with tomatoes it should be banned (don’t ask!), so I enjoy this deliciousness all by myself. And I do NOT feel guilty about it.

  • 100 gr fresh raw salmon
  • 50-60 gr of sushi rice (If you want your dish to be fucking amazing – use proper rice. If you can’t be arsed to find the sushi rice – any other would do, but don’t say I did not warn you! Pro-tip – it’s very fucking hard to pick up Basmati or Jasmine rice with chopsticks!…)
  • for the sauce:
    • 1 tbsp of Japanese mayonnaise (you can use the regular mayo, but Japanese one is sold in all Asian shops and is richer, thicker and just tastes fucking better!)
    • 1tsp of sesame oil
    • 1 tsp of Sriracha spicy sauce
    • 1 tsp of regular soy sauce
    • 1/2 tsp of sugar
  • 1/2 or 1/3 of avocado
  • 1/2 cucumber (a regular-size garden variety, NOT the scary dildo-looking greenhouse cucumbers)
  • scallions to garnish


Boil the rice. The easiest and most non-stressy way of doing this is to cover the rice with about 100 gr of water (or about twice as much water as you have rice). Bring it to the boil, turn the heat down to the minimum, cover the pot with a lid, leaving just a tiny slit for the air to escape, and leave it the fuck alone for about 10-15 min. By the time you are done, there should not be any water left in the pot. If some stubborn liquid still remains, cover the pot with the lid completely, and leave on low heat for another 3-5 minutes.

Chop the salmon into bite-size cubes.

Mix all the ingredients for the sauce in a small bowl, make sure they are stirred through, and fuck the salmon into the sauce. Mix well, so that the salmon is well coated. Sprinkle with chopped scallions.

Chop the fresh cucumber into tiny cubes. Slice the avocado into thin slices.

Put the hot rice into the bowl, and arrange all other ingredients on top of it. Salmon with sauce on one side, cucumber on the other, avocado on top or on the side – whichever your fucking like.

You can eat it with chopsticks in a proper and posh way, picking up a bit of each ingredient and savouring the taste. Or mix the shit out of everything and devour the mix with a table spoon making undignified but happy noises as you eat. Either way – you WILL enjoy it!

Spicy salmon bowl

Macaroni & Cheese

People react to stress in a variety of different and complex ways.  Some lose sleep and move from one panic attack to another, like a high-wired Chihuahua on speed.  Others sleep all day and cut off any communication with the outside world, turning into red-eyed sofa zombies.

On the culinary front, there are lucky individuals, who at the first signs of stress loose appetite for weeks on end and come out on the other side slim and trim, if only a little pale.  Others, like myself, turn into a bottomless vortex, raid the fridge and eat everything that is not nailed or glued down. This purge is usually paired with unlimited consumption of alcoholic beverages, guaranteed to swiftly turn one into a human version of Jabba the Hutt.

Having pledged reluctant loyalty to the latter camp, I am here to provide support to other weirdoes suffering from the gluttonous stress disorder with throwing the ultimate “stuff your face” recipe of Mac & Cheese into the masses.

There are about a thousand Mac &Cheese recipes out there – from some fucked up vegan disasters to a carb-bomb baked versions.  You can try them all for as long as the depth of your stress and depression allows.  I did go through quite a few, and swear by this one, by Laura from Joy Food Sunshine, so if you want a guaranteed result – visit her site, or continue reading my abbreviated and slightly more rude version here.

Mac & Cheese is the nostalgic childhood snack of any American child, and a popular and proud member of any grown-up buffet all over the United States.  It is beautiful, filling, and comforting.  Don’t kid yourself, though – Mac & Cheese has zero nutritional value, which makes it all the more craved for food in times of distress. After laying about in your stomack like a brick for hours, it finds its way straight to your hips, and stays there indefinitely, olivious to all the possible gym hours you might be clocking to rid yourself of this soul-warming guest. Here you are – enjoy at your own risk and don’t say you have not been warned.


  • Elbow macaroni pasta. (As much as you want to stuff your face with.  Regular portion for one hungry individual calls for 100 gr.  Take it as a starting point, and eyeball from there.) If you do not know what elbow macaroni past is – fucking google it.
  • Butter – 1 tbs
  • Milk – about 100-120 ml
  • Flower – 1 tbs not completely full
  • Sour cream – 1 tbs
  • Grated Cheddar cheese (40-50 gr, as much as your greedy soul desires).  They say you can theoretically use any kind of cheese, but it fucking helps to follow the proper recipe – Cheddar is MUCH better!
  • Garlic salt – a pinch
  • Salt – a pinch


Boil the pasta according to instructions on the packet.  If you like your pasta al-fucking-dente, take it out about a minute earlier.  If you prefer to eat well-boiled mush (no judgement!) – add 3-5 minutes to the packet time.  Drain it and leave the fuck alone.

Turn the heat down to medium-low, and in the same pot you boiled the pasta in, melt the butter, add the flower and garlic salt, and quickly whisk it all together to create a roux (this is the shit that will make your sauce thick).  Stir this shit around and let it cook for about 60 seconds.  As the flower heats up, it will become slightly brownish.

Add milk, whisk well, throw in the sour cream, continuing to whisk away like a rabid raccoon, and see your sauce thicken.

Final touch – fuck the grated Cheddar into the sauce, mix well (this time better with a spoon, unless you fancy licking the sauce off the whisk or soaking it for hours to clean).

Throw the cooked pasta into this cheesy goodness and stir well to combine.  Once the little elbow fuckers get filled with the cheesy sauce, your creation is ready to eat.

Depending on the stress levels and the depth of depression, it can be served in a bowl with just a hint of Cayenne pepper on top to spice it up, or spooned up from the pot, while sitting on the sofa in your pajamas crying over the news.

Mac & Cheese, served in a bowl with sprinkles of Cayenne pepper